"Hi, I'm a fucking douchebag who loves the sound of his own voice!"

Yesterday was Day 1 of my self-imposed social experiment with listening solely to KRTH 101, LA's only nonstop oldies station, and we're off to a smashing start.

I flipped on my stereo as I headed to the YMCA and was greeted by the opening keyboard licks of "Louie Louie". A chill ran through me and I threw up in my mouth a little. Oh fuck. This is gonna make the ultramarathon look like playing Hippity Hop to the Barbershop. I think in doing this, I'm going to get to destinations much quicker. But it's not just the music that's gonna make me snap. It's the DJs.

Pictured above is "Shotgun Tom", the afternoon-drive DJ at KRTH. Quite the looker, no? It's a real coin-toss to decide what it is that makes him look most retarded: The Kenny Loggins beard, the Smokey the Bear hat, or the jacket he swiped from Indiana Jones' closet. And to listen to him, you understand where the nickname "Shotgun" derived from: I want to shove a double-barrel down his gullet and watch the life leave his eyes as I slowly squeeze the trigger.

"Louie Louie" was followed by Chicago's "If You Leave Me Now" and Carol King's "So Far Away", both of which I easily tolerated.

But shit: The first time I hear the opening lyrics to "American Pie" will be a dark time indeed.