Yesterday during my 4 hour run at Topanga Canyon (clap clap clap clap!)deep in the heart of the woods, I had the great pleasure of encountering one of these lovely darlings. All I heard was a low growl and what sounded like John Goodman chasing a felled ham and cheese sandwich barreling through the bushes about 10 feet ahead. Through the forest floor cover, I saw two, incredibly pissed off, eyes staring back at me. And it wasn't your mom for once (ZING!) Didn't even see that coming, did ya?)

Here's what the internets recommends you do upon encountering a mountain lion:

• Always hike, backpack, and camp in wild areas with a companion.

I was, of course, as always, was completely alone. Okay, check that one off.

•Never run past or from a cougar. This may trigger their instinct to chase.

And naturally, I'm fucking running in the woods.

•Confine and secure any livestock (especially at night) in pens, sheds, and barns.

Immediately, I hustled my pig and goat into the shed I oftentimes carry with me during runs.

•If attacked, fight back with whatever is at hand (without turning your back)—people have utilized rocks, jackets, garden tools, tree branches, and even bare hands to turn away cougars.

Wait a second here: Jackets? Maybe unfashionable jackets frighten the lion's good taste and off they scurry to the nearest Brooks Brothers.

•If you encounter a cougar, make yourself appear larger, more aggressive. Open your jacket, raise your arms, throw stones, branches, etc., without turning away. Wave raised arms slowly, and speak slowly, firmly, loudly to disrupt and discourage predatory behavior.

This, I actually did. Imagine my surprise at the first sound coming from my mouth being an, "Ahhh?". Not exactly establishing my dominance. I got bolder and started shouted a deep, bellowing succession of "No!" and "Get outta here!", which I do at least twice daily no matter what.

Funnily enough, not included on their list was peeing yourself a little, yet somehow, I managed to improvise that one myself.